Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Taking The Fight to The Enemy

The following is a list of items that I request be put in my coffin as well as alterations to the state of my body to be completed upon or before that date of my burial (Translation): I want some modifications to be done to my body as well as the clothes I’ll be dressed in when I’m buried as well as having a few items buried with me.

1. One .45 Semi-automatic combat pistol.
2. One shoulder holster rig under jacket containing item 1.
3. Thirty-five .45 acp frangible rounds available at www.extremeshock.com (the sign of the cross inscribed on the slug of each bullet)
4. Thirty-five .45 acp armor piercing rounds available at www.extremeshock.com (the sign of the cross inscribed on the slug of each bullet)
5. Ten .45 acp semi-automatic magazines containing items 3 and 4 to be placed in side pockets of the jacket.
6. One throwing hatchet,(my favorite one) repaired with the blade and axe handle inscribed with the name JEHOVA and the sign of the cross. To be placed through my belt at the right side of my hip.
7. Two military canteens containing holy water taken from the river Lourdes. Strapped on my belt to the rear of my right hip.
8. One rosary tied around each of my wrists.
9. One large crucifix tied around my neck.
10. One airtight pouch containing wafers of the Holy Host. As many as can be carried without the aid of a backpack.
11. One small first aid kit in the inner right breast pocket of jacket
12. Tanto knife sheathed and tied at left hip. Inscribed with crosses along both sides of the blade.
13. Two packs Winchester brand cigarettes, one cotton handkerchief, and one disposable lighter to be placed in breast pocket of shirt.
14. Three pieces of white chalk, and three black Sharpie markers to be placed in let pants pocket.
15. Small bible to be placed in left inner breast jacket pocket.
16. Straight combat blade, inscribed with the cross on both sides of the blade, in sheath at right side of hip, in front of hatchet.
17. Small boot knife in outside of left boot.
18. My double handed broadsword with edges ground sharp, length of the blade inscribed with the name JEHOVA with crosses in between each letter. Held in leather scabbard, strapped over my back, outside the jacket.
19. Flask of Evan Williams Bourbon in back pocket of slacks
20. Three ampoules of holy water blessed in the name of Saint Michael in right pants pocket.

1. Standard black trousers. 40X32 Polo brand Chinos for preference. They last longer.
2. Black blazer, size 50 long.
3. White long sleeve dress shirt, unsure of the size.
4. Black leather belt.
5. Necktie featuring Christian theme. With cross tie-pin.
6. Black dress socks
7. Fingerless leather gloves.
8. Glasses
9. Size 11 triple wide black steel toes combat boots, shined to mirror finish.

Body Modifications
1. Large Celtic crosses tattooed on both back and chest.

After reading this list you’re probably wondering “what the hell is wrong with this guy?” I’m inclined to agree, but after studying several religions and their viewpoints of the afterlife, it’s not so inconceivable to think that a person can take things with him and can take the fight to the next world. The Egyptians, Sumerians, Babylonians, Mesopotamians, Etruscans, and Hittites all believed that the afterlife was a real and solid place which one could take physical goods to and from.

In Greek, Roman, and Mesopotamian belief it is thought that once one takes things of the underworld into oneself, only then is a person doomed to remain there. The best example of this would be Persephone when she was pulled into the underworld by Hades. While there she ate 3 pomegranate seeds. After her rescuer arrived, it was found that she could not return to the world of the living because of the underworld food she’d eaten. I intend avoid this fate for as long as possible by taking with me food and drink both rendered holy by the Lord our God. I know some consider this blasphemy on my part as these items are considered sacred. To you I say that the lord wants us to be holy and pure in all things, why shouldn’t our diet be one of them? If this ploy works maybe I’ll have had enough time to make my way to a more hospitable environment. Who knows, maybe I’ll find a way back from the grave. Don’t think so, but I don’t so how that’s not possible.

As for the weapons, their use is evident. I’m not the best of Christians, nor am I particularly strong in faith. But having been brought up Catholic I know that only a handful of the most pure souls that have ever existed upon this earth have been able to avoid hell, or at the very least, purgatory. I know I’m probably destined for one or the other, so I’d like to be able to at least try to defend myself with whatever weapons I can get my hands on. One thing I never saw in any of the frescoes and paintings of hell where the damned are depicted being tortured by demons was the damned fighting back. By now we’ve got to outnumber the demons in hell, and what worse punishment could they bestow upon us if we try to defend ourselves? They’re already in Hell, things can’t get much worse.

I know what is being laid down is blasphemous to some, but if I’m wrong and we can’t really take it with us, then I’ll ultimately have lost nothing. Something to think on.


Joilene said...

I first read this post about three weeks ago, and went away laughing. This is quite an impressive list, and it is obvious that you have lain awake nights putting it in order. Still, I have one suggestion and two questions.
First, the suggestion. I got thinking, you might want to tuck a deck of playing cards among your things, as if you get stuck in limbo, it could get very boring. Even a game of Solitaire might be better than nothing. (But be careful, some consider card-playing to be of the devil.)
Secondly, my question: If you take seeds, and plant something On the Other Side, then eat what grows, is the food considered to be of There, or of Here? And what of Manna, which the Bible says is angels' food; the Israelites didn't get stuck anywhere particular because of eating that.
Also, I wouldn't worry so much about the demons; Hell was made to throw them into as a punishment, not a playground. They're working overtime here because it's their only chance for satisfaction; they won't be having any more fun in Hell than you will.

All in all, though, I have to agree with your philosophy; there's nothing like being stuck somewhere without your favorite knife. (That's: k-NIFF). Besides, if you're wrong, all you've done is prevent someone else from buying up the ammunition you took with you to molder.
I plan on seeing you in Paradise, though, and have no plans to vacation in Purgatory, so I hope you re-think your road trip. :-)

Joilene said...

John, here is a conversation I thought you might get a kick out of. Christa and I had this exchange on January 23rd, soon after I read this post for the first time.

I wrote:
"I haven't commented yet, but I'm itching to. I need to make sure to say something flippant, and something genuine, in the right proportions. (I had lots of flippant comments run through my head initially, like: "What a waste of ammo!")"

Christa replied:
"To a certian degree, I am inclined to agree with him...after all, it couldn't be any worse than showing up at Heaven's gates with 'pavement'. Now for sarcasm: How tightly are we to tie that cross around his neck,, do you suppose? Do you suppose if we tie it tight enough he will go to the after life of the after life? ;-) "

I just wanted to let you know, you've given us both repeated laughs.