We Now Return You To Your Regularly Scheduled Rant

Well folks, its been a real tough week, with lots of ups and downs; more downs than ups I'm sad to say. To start things off right, I'll say that I've gotten my first paid story published. It'll be posted on Mindflights Magazine sometime within the next few months. I don't know exactly when. It's a modified version of my story "Shinkyo Bridge" that they bought.

I should probably give a little back-story as I've been trying to get something published with them for a while now. They are a "Christian Oriented" magazine that does lots of science fiction and fantasy stuff. I first wrote for them a story detailing the events of a monastery on the English borderlands successfully repelling an attack by marauding Icelandic vikings around 1050 AD. It was a true story, I might add, and heralded the breaking of the viking stranglehold on northern Europe as they were converted to Christianity over time. It was engaging, full of action, and had a very pro-Christian message. They rejected it immediately, citing they didn't understand a lot of the terms I was using regarding the church, Christianity, and prayer.

These people are a friggin Pro-Christian magazine and they don't know what a miter is! Anyway, just to piss them off. I sent them Shinkyo Bridge, a story following around a Zen Buddhist samurai who fights off demons. And these people want to print it! I'm still rolling on the floor over that one.

Now on to the bad news. I've been having some serious computer problems as of late, meaning my updates may be erratic. I received a mini-laptop not too long ago; an ASUS eee pc model 900 HA. It works well for portable word-processing and internet surfing, which is great for typing without having to coop myself up in my room all day.

Only a month old and yesterday it went kabloowie. Apparently it lost a file from its own operating system and can't boot up until I insert the boot disc. Problem, the thing doesn't come with a frigging disc drive! Why they give me a boot disc with no disc drive I will never know.

Anyway I've sent it off to the manufacturer to get fixed. I can live without it for a few weeks, but the thing that really has me incensed is that I had about half a dozen unfinished short stories and the beginnings of a novel on the hard-drive, and didn't have time to make back-ups. I'm down on my knees praying that it will return with those files intact. In the meantime I'm rewriting what I can remember, but I know its not nearly as complete or well-written as what I already had.

As if that weren't enough, my tower is ailing as well. It's got a virus called Vundo, which embeds itself in the Windows operating system and multiples. Unfortunately Microsoft makes it real difficult to mess with the OS, though the virus seems to be having no trouble with it. So now I'm stuck swapping phone calls and emails with the tech support people in India. It'll be another week before the stupid thing is gone, and not before I've had to chew out a few people who say that they can't help me any further. I had to do this about 8 months ago for the same damn virus, meaning that my virus protection software isn't doing the job. I'll be speaking with their customer service reps and ask why I should be bothering to pay them if their software isn't worth the box it came in when this is all over.

Have you noticed that the call center people in India have been trying really hard to cover their accents as of late? They used to speak quite plainly, but now they give me an American sounding name and speak with a really bad southern accent to try to give the impression they're not Indian. Guess they're catching flak over taking American jobs, can't say I blame them.

Rant on the Importance of Man

It simply mystifies me how people are able to go around with a sunny attitude about things and not see the fundamental truths to their lives. I’m not sure if they simply ignore it or are going around in some pink fog, oblivious of their surroundings. I suppose you have heard all this already, but most every night I scream in my sleep. One of my roommates told me this a while back, when I asked the others they all agreed. It made me remember some of the dreams I’ve been having.

Sometimes I’m being convicted of a crime and no one will tell me what I did. Other times I’m trying to warn people of danger but my throat is too dry to speak, or in a few cases has been ripped out entirely. When I try to write warnings it turns out the person I’m dealing with doesn’t have their reading glasses.

I feel like that quite a lot during the day too. Screaming in a room full of deaf people, shaking a coma patient, trying to wake him. It’s just so frustrating that no one seems to understand. The sad thing is that during those few lucid moments when I’m dreaming, I know exactly what the problem is, what the great danger is, but it’s like trying to catch fog as soon as I wake.

It’s like everything around me is so fragile, I constantly have to walk lightly or it’ll all fall apart around me. But most of the time what I really want to do is take a sledgehammer to everything man-made. To tear down what man has tried to erect. The walls that keep us protected keep out the sounds of time going by as we sit and work. The roof that shelters us from the elements cuts off our view of the sky, because when you’re under the sky on a clear day, its like God is looking right at YOU. And most of us squirm under His attention. We hastily try to put something in the way, to stay in our minds and reassure ourselves that we are in control.

I just want to rip all that down and scream at people “We are not the most important thing out there!” We are miniscule; in this world, in this universe, and under the eyes of God we are as dust. Yet we ignore this, we blind ourselves to it because it’s too much for us to handle. It scares us and makes us uncomfortable. We’ve always got to be in control and the very idea that there is something out there so damn big and old that to even begin to comprehend it is beyond our capacity is not something we can deal with. The only way we can even begin to learn is to face this head on, unflinching, and accepting.

But the very idea that we have no control sends us running back into our cubicles. All the concepts we live by are pointless and short-lived. Break up the stuff of the universe and grind it, then mill it to the finest powder, run it through the finest sieve and you’ll not find one atom of justice, one molecule of truth, one iota of honor. These and all those like them are man’s attempt to control reality. They are fleeting and shallow in the truest sense of the word.

The system’s fragility is so obvious it’s scary. Meant only to constrain and subdue. The idea of smashing it all to hear the sound it makes sends shivers down my spine. Let us live by acceptance of what we know in our hearts to be right. If a man steals then those who saw it punish him based on their common sense. If a couple separates then they’ll take what’s theirs’ and screw what anyone says. But above all, live knowing that mankind is no greater than any other species on this planet. We are all subject to the whimsy of fate. A hurricane doesn’t differentiate between a beggar and a billionaire. The concept of self-importance is pointless in a society where thousands will gladly take your place, however poor it may be.

I’ve most likely told you something you probably already know. So I’ll hold back the urge to begin punishment for mankind’s trespassing on this world a bit longer. But I can’t understand how other people can go around happy if this is common knowledge. Am I the only one who sees all this here? Are people just that slow to think? Are their minds so set on self-preservation and the propagation of the species that they can’t think for two minutes straight?

Depressive Rant: Killing Time

That’s all any of us are doing, just killing time. I don’t want to come off sounding like some whining Goth writing bad prose. There’s no romanticism or allure of the concept, just a logical inevitability which cannot be denied.

We come into this world and exist in a state of preparation for 18 some odd years or more. During that time our care, environment, and needs are seen to and carefully managed by parents or guardians. Two things can arise during this time as a result of this state of affairs. We can resent being controlled and rebel against this sense of helplessness. This may be demonstrated by petty illegal behavior, breaking rules, acting out in school or at home, underage drug, alcohol, and tobacco use, etc. This is a senseless defiance of those who we see as the controlling powers and very childish. The other thing which can happen is that we accept the situation for what it is and use that inherent support structure to focus on achieving some sort of goal. In a society as money driven as ours, this goal is typically obtaining some high paying vocation.

At the ends of the period of care the young adult is free to set out into the world and do as he wishes. Before I continue let me pose to you a question. Of those two types of individual described, which do you think will have an easier time of things? The prepared and focused goal-seeker, or the rebel?

If you said the goal-seeker, you’d be wrong. It’s all down to a matter of acclimatization. The rebel has not specific goal or intent and is thus able to adapt to his situation as circumstances change. What’s more, his yearnings for freedom as a child are now realized. The goal-seeker on the other hand is unable to change his plans and cope to changing situations, so hung up on his dreams, hopes, wishes, etc. He sees the myriad freedoms, activities, and ways of life open to him as distractions. The oak stands firm against the gale winds of the storm. The supple willow instead bends before the wind. Eventually the oak will shatter before the force of the wind, but the willow will only ever sway.

Let us also look at the futility of goals. Please do not misunderstand me by thinking they are unattainable, that’s not the case. I’m saying that although goals may be achieved, they are ultimately worthless. Take me for example. As a boy I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to pen stories and publish books. I was told that I would make no money doing this, though I was never technically told not to.

Today I am a writer. Though I make a decent, steady income, I’m no happier or fulfilled than I ever was. I’ve been successfully published several times, though have not yet been able to write a full length book. This is principally because I have no understanding of human nature. As a result I am completely unable to write decent dialogue or banter between characters. This has slowed my attempts to flesh out and complete my full length novels considerably, though not deterred me from trying. I suppose I could say that my day to day work leaves me with no time to devote to those long term projects, which is largely true. Though I suspect I would just make up another excuse for myself if I had all the time in the world.

A goal is nothing more than an arbitrary personal milestone. Having achieved it changes nothing save that you get to ask yourself: What now? I became a writer and looked around. I was still me (more’s the pity), the world was still the same. So what was the point in all that hassle then? It’s nothing more than a futile attempt to give our lives meaning. Save yourself the trouble, accept that life has no meaning and don’t bother. After all, it’s just a way to kill time.

Now let us look at the rebel’s way of life, my own brother being a perfect case in point. He lives with his girlfriend in their own apartment. They have lots of friends and, despite the fact they are dirt poor, are fairly happy. If you ever met him, you would wonder if he had the mental capacity to complete a sentence. He’s not dumb per se, just got his head so high in the clouds it’s a wonder his feet touch the ground. He had no plan, no goals, and no aspirations. He burnt through his entire college savings fund in less than a month on parties and friends, who subsequently ditched him when he ran out of money. Somehow he always lands on his feet through and enjoys meandering through life. This is because that without goals, he keeps himself open to any opportunities that come his way, rather than dismissing them as irrelevant. While he enjoys the way that the journey takes him, I look forward to its conclusion with increasing impatience, though both of us are under no illusions to the fact that what we do on this earth is ultimately meaningless and fleeting.

Important Notice

Just wanted to post and let you all know that I won’t be submitting any updates for the rest of the week, and will likely not be able to update next week either. A series of serious medical problems has me both terrified and in a great deal of pain. I noticed a growth in the shower which bore all the signs of a tumor about the size of a kiwi fruit. I went immediately to the physician who is referring me to an urologist to check to see if it’s cancerous or benign. While I was waiting to be contacted by the urologist I noticed that my eyes had gotten very dry. They stayed this way for well over a week and became even more painful as time went by, to the point that I’ve had to tape my eyes shut for days on end just to get any relief. I purchased every kind of eye drop on the market; without effect.

Managed to get to an ophthalmologist clinic today; man was that guy rough. He poured what felt like three types of acid in my eyes before turning my eye lids inside out and then sticking strips of litmus paper against my corneas. They were held in place for over two minutes while the paper changed color to indicate some sort of chemical reaction. Frankly I would’ve rather been stabbed again, that hurt a hell of a lot less. In any case the doc tells me I’ve got some form of conjunctivitis. It’s an autoimmune disease which stops the glands around the eyelashes from releasing moisture and fluids onto the surface of the eye, keeping it moist.

As a treatment I’ve got to instill three different kinds of eye drops in my eyes four times a day in a specific order while massaging the eyelashes and using boiling hot compresses to loosen the oil in the glands. The eye drops also have the consistency of Vaseline. Bottom line is that I won’t be able to see anything for the next week or two until this treatment is over.

Hopefully it will work. If it doesn’t then there are two reasons why. The one reason is that I have a severe thyroid disorder, one of the symptoms of which is this conjunctivitis. This means I’ll have to see yet another specialist. Thyroid problems are very tricky too. There are no medications out there which govern the operation of the thyroid effectively, meaning chemical imbalances causing a lot of nasty side effects are common. The second reason is that the next form of medication needed to fix the conjunctivitis, while dealing with the thyroid problem, costs more than my first car did.

Keep in mind that this is while I’m still waiting to find out if I’ve got cancer and am going to need surgery to remove a portion of my anatomy which, although it doesn’t see much use, I’ve grown sentimentally attached to. Whoever says curses and bad luck don’t exist has never met me.

On top of all this, I’m self employed. I’ve got no medical coverage whatsoever. So far I’ve paid for my medical visits out of my personal savings. If I end up needing surgery my only option, aside from dying, is taking out a loan and then declaring bankruptcy. I don’t own anything and have no assets which I can’t officially sign over to a family member, so I won’t loose much aside from my credit rating.

I’m going to go lie down now. I’d cry but my eyes can’t produce any moisture right now. If you’ve been kind enough to read this far, I thank you deeply. I suppose it’s a bit like watching a train wreck; it’s horrible but you can’t look away. If you can do me one more kindness, please click on one of the adjacent advertisements. They are completely harmless and put a few cents in my pocket every time someone clicks on them.