Monday, August 25, 2008

How to Go Turkey Hunting Without a Weapon

As you may or may not know, I am a freelance writer. I have been lucky enough to find semi-permanent work with an organization that posts informative and instructive articles on various Internet compendiums. I would rather not mention the name of this organization as they can be vindictive.

In any case I take on work and am paid a flat rate based on how many articles they will accept from me. I consider myself lucky to get about 20 accepted a week. The rate at which their editors accept my work for publishing is severely hindering my earning potential as I am quite capable of writing in excess of 40 full length articles each week.

Occasionally they reject an article I write for one arbitrary reason or other. It seems to depend on which of their editors my work is given to. As one can imagine it is infuriating. Essentially the editor is taking money from my pocket because they feel like it. Also the time which I spent writing the article could've been better spent. When I appeal their decision I receive some snotty reply because the power-mad little twerp is enjoying the fact that they are physically thousands of miles distant from me and have the power of deciding whether or not I get paid.

That is why I would be willing to provide funds to any organization which can develop a monitor including a small wormhole device. When this device is engaged, a small portal is created between two computers, allowing me to horrendously beat the little SOB from across the country. I guarantee that Internet flame wars, scams, and general hostility would drop pretty quick with a self regulating system like that. The sense of anonymity that the Internet creates seems to bring out the worst in people, thinking they can act with impunity.

In any case, my train of thought seems to have derailed. What I meant to do was submit the article that was most recently rejected, both to get your opinion on whether you think it's rejection was valid, as well as to try to get some return on my investment of time and effort.

Turkey hunting is a common sport amongst many Americans. They can be hunted for food; wild turkey tastes different than farm raised turkey. They can be hunted for trophies. Traditionally one goes to a likely looking spot in the wilds during hunting season and waits in hiding for a turkey to appear. When the moment is right the hunter will shoot the turkey with a rifle, shotgun, pistol, or bow. There is actually an easier and less violent way to hunt turkey which allows you to claim multiple birds at once without the use of a weapon. In doing this you avoid the possibility of ruining the bird with your gun, making the turkey ineligible to be made into a trophy. Here is a guide on how to hunt a turkey without a weapon. I realize that many people think this is just a myth. But I have several friends who are avid hunters, who have assured me that this is really works. You can find corroboration online if you look hard enough. It's also funny as hell to watch.

Things You’ll Need:
Parched Corn and Bird Seed

Weather Forecast


Bird Blind and Hunting Grounds

Rain Proof Bad Weather Clothing

Hunting A Turkey
Step 1:
Use the weather forecast to find a day where heavy rainstorms are strongly predicted for the area where you intend to hunt.

Step 2:
Go out the hunting ground the day before the rainstorm is predicted.

Step 3:
Look for open ground a few yards from decent tree cover and within sight of a good hiding spot or animal blind in a nearby tree. You want rain to be able to fall unrestricted on the chosen ground, but for it to be nearby trees which turkeys would normally use as cover. The idea is to lure them out from under cover into the open ground.

Step 4:
Seed this area with a couple of pounds of parched corn kernels and bird seed.

Step 5:
Go home and periodically check the weather forecast. When rain is shown to be over your hunting ground, get dressed in your bad weather gear to stay dry.

Step 6:
Return to the hunting ground and take up position in your hiding spot. Make sure to bring your camera so you have bragging rights for later. Some people won’t believe that this was possible.

Step 7:
Wait for the turkeys to arrive. If its hunting season and you’re in decent hunting grounds then the turkeys will be drawn by the promise of food.

Step 8:
Watch the turkeys eat and take pictures of them periodically. You’ll see them pick up a seed or piece of corn with their beaks and tip their head back to help the dry food slide down their throats. After a turkey does this about half a dozen times it will slump and fall over dead. Once all the turkeys that you want have fallen over simply leave your hiding place and collect the birds. Make sure to get as many pictures as you like to show others. In case you’re wondering what happened, they drowned in the rainwater.

Tips & Warnings
A turkey will not look up when it feels raindrops, that myth is false. There is however a grain of truth behind this myth. A turkey will open its mouth and raise its beak directly upward when trying to swallow dry food particles. So if you lay dry corn and seed in an area where turkeys are likely to find it a day or so before a major rainstorm is predicted for the area, any turkey eating in the rain will have its lungs fill with water and drown shortly afterward. Make sure the camera you bring does not have a flash or make noise when it takes a picture. That way you can record what happens without disturbing the turkeys.

1 comment:

Joilene said...

You've asked for feedback...I suppose you were serious.

I can see two legitimate reasons why this piece didn't fly. Number one, it's "dry". You're mixing bizarre humor with technical style, and it leaves me willing to laugh and let my mind imagine the possibilites...yet unable to switch from left to right brain functions.

Second, the hunting laws I am most familiar with (Colorado) seem to be fairly typical, and baiting with grain (except a clause about planted fields) is a definite no-no, whether with game birds or deer or much of anything else.

Of course, there is that portion of the population that doesn't rank hunting lawlessness up there with most other types, but...

Lastly, I almost never read articles (mine included) that I don't think could use some polishing. If you threw this one in a drawer for a week, then peeked at it, you might see what I mean.

Most importantly, if you're having a particularly bad day, throw this feedback in the trash and forget it, because anybody who can crank out the caliber of writing you normally do, with the number of articles you're doing per week, is a genius. (I'm considered to be highly intellgient, and I can't do seven articles a week, that I remain happy with in another week's time.)